Toxic positivity permeates all aspects of society, from our individualized interactions to large-scale communications. Psychology Today defines toxic positivity as “the act of avoiding, suppressing, or rejecting negative emotions or experiences.” This is often about the insistence of positive thinking as a means to divert from the “negative.” As a mental health advocate, I am perpetually working towards a healthy balance between choosing optimism while simultaneously validating and noting the difficulties individuals and communities experience.
Often, we hear statements like “Don’t think negatively!” or “Stay positive!” or “Don’t cry,” and “Don’t stress.” While these statements may be well-intentioned, they can be harmful. In my own experiences in the mental health advocacy space, I have found that it is actually better to acknowledge the intricacy and pain of the human experience as it coincides with the beauty and positivity of that same human experience. We are layered creatures with a multitude of experiences, and I hope to encourage myself and those around me to be comfortable amid discomfort. There have been so many instances where all I wanted was to be heard and understood, but this was invalidated because the response I received was, “Don’t worry! It will be fine!” When we take away from someone’s experiences by making these statements, we are not allowing them to truly feel.
One way we see toxic positivity as a detrimental phenomenon is when we recognize how toxic positivity oversimplifies the complexity of humanity. Humans tend to be “fixers” and “doers.” Our society is marked by the need for accomplishing and achieving. What we often miss in the narratives of toxic productivity and overly self-reliant work ethic narrative pushed by culture is that much of life is about “becoming.” Human beings are multifaceted, and their emotionality is, too. When the societal norm is to respond to those struggling with “positive statements” as a mental health panacea, individuals miss out on truly understanding their peers.
Another concern I have with toxic positivity as a positionality is that toxic positivity does not allow for safe spaces to exist and thrive. If the normative cultural practice is to have toxically positive and inauthentic interactions with one another, individuals cannot ultimately be vulnerable in their times of need. I have learned innumerable lessons during my time as a 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Counselor at Didi Hirsch Suicide Prevention Center, but perhaps the most valuable one is that it is okay not to be okay and that you can meet people where they are at by “sitting in the dark place” with someone. It is common for us as members of society to state that we would like others to be vulnerable, but if those spaces of safety are not created in the first place, we are unable to do so.
Toxic positivity presupposes that there is no room for validation in one’s suffering. I believe the opposite of toxic positivity is not hopelessness, fatalism, or pessimism but rather realistic optimism, hope-based support, safety, authenticity, and vulnerability. We deserve to exist in a world where we can meet one another in the midst of both the pains and the wonders of living. I welcome and prompt you to notice when you tell yourself or others to “just be positive” and shift instead towards hopeful statements such as, “I recognize a lot is going on; you are valid in your feelings; I believe in you.”
Embracing every aspect of life is a process. While you work to meet others where you are, I hope you show yourself self-compassion and meet yourself while you are at. Invalidating our own feelings is common, but you deserve to nurture yourself, showing yourself care in the midst of it all.
